Updated April 4, 2004
After finding out that my cholesterol is super high (gone from 2xx to 4xx in the last 1 1/2 year) everybody thinks I'm gonna drop dead. I personally think that it's pretty damn funny, and to heighten the humor I've decided to put my will here online for all to see. Although I doubt that I will be dropping dead anytime soon, you never know. Here goes...
Update - On 3/31/04 I went in to have an upper endoscopy done because I've had GERD forever. Anyway, when I'm checking in they ask me if I have any particular religious preference and then after they stick the IV in and hook me up to $238,000 in monitoring equipment the nurse asks me if I have a living will. Talk about a confidence booster. Anyway, in light of this new development, we now have a new section. (And if you want to see a picture of my hiatal hernia just send me an email and I'll get it right out to you). Without further ado...
The Living Will
If I'm incapacitated, to the point where I'll never enjoy 'whoopie' again, pull the plug. If any part of my body larger than a finger needs to be removed in order to ensure my survival, let me die. If I have no brain activity, I'm probably at work - poke me with a stick if it's quitting time. I think that should cover it...
I, John S. Kinne, being of sound mind and body (and there's the first problem right there. If I were of sound body, I wouldn't need a will, would I?) hereby bequeath the following:
My comic book collection goes to Wally, who needs to develop a better appreciation of Spider-Man.
My DVDs shall be divided between my brother Andy, Christine, Bob, and Lin. Christine gets to remove all of those that are hers first and then everybody shall take turns to divvy up the remainder.
My car of course goes to the bank that owns it.
My collection of toys goes to my nephew Devin. He can play with them, or sell them to fund a year of college.
The video game systems and all games go to Andy.
The sum total of my liquid assets, which as of today measure some $-114,478.17 goes to whomever wants it.
My book collection goes to my Mother and Christine, to be split however they see fit.
My vast collection of porn goes to Bob, since 98% of it is at his house anyway.
My main computer (Monster) goes to Andy who shall reload as necessary to pass on to Devin, who will carry on the computer geek tradition. The other computer (Junior) is Christine's.
My cat goes to Lindsey, who seems to be the only person in the world that likes her.
All of my other worldly possessions go to my parents, who can dole the stuff out as they see fit. (Unless my creditors repo it all).
Just what the hell is a testament anyway? Beats me, but here I'll put the other miscellaneous stuff that I'm thinking of:
My body is to be cremated and my ashes spread at the nudie bar. Bob knows which one. If he doesn't, then he doesn't get anything listed for him in the will. If this is not feasible then my ashes shall be spread over the Adirondack mountains. Bob can fly the plane. It has to be a Piper though. If there any left in Rochester that haven't crashed.
I'm not a big fan of the whole funeral thing, so let's say that in honor of my memory a trip to the nudie bar will be planned where everybody can toast me. If the nudie bar won't accept my ashes, then my mourners are not to tip.
Signed, Updated and Signed,
John S Kinne
John S Kinne
The Small Print
Well this is really meant as a joke, it does basically represent my wishes. So if for some reason I do croak before I grey then by all means, use this document as a guideline to settle my affairs. I know there are people that I've left out, it's not that I don't wish them fond memories of my generosity, it's just that I can't think of anything that I have that they would want. Hence the catch-all clause. If you feel you've been unjustly left out of my will, send your request, along with a $100 processing fee, and I'll see what I can do. 'nuff said